Friday, September 01, 2006

This is a one time offer, so act now!


I've been saying this for years, but now I actually have proof. My head is not just a hat rack, people! There is, in fact, something inside. It may be pea-sized and rather dusty, but I have a brain! I think I might even go so far as to say I'm a genius. Why? I'll tell you.
A couple days ago after we had our 15-hour 'On-our-knees-but-not-in-a-good-way' day of putting in tile, I had the arduous task of grouting the 400 12x12 tiles. Normally, I don't think it would be so bad, but slate is very uneven and not uniform in any way (different thickness, different sized tiles) Plus there are so many little nooks and crannies that grouting proved to be very frustrating. I slogged away for several hours and made very little progress.
(This is where the infomercial part starts)
Are you tired of plopping down messy grout and then spending hours cleaning off the excess? Are your arms ready to fall off from all that scrubbing? Do your knees hurt from last Saturday when Sam bent....wait...no, that's not right.
Anyway, listen up!
Invented by a quiet genius (that's me) way up in the armpit of Alaska, and made specifically for those do-it-yourself homeowners it’s: That Crack Sack!
So I was scrubbing away at the grout and thought 'there must be an easier way to do this' and 'what the hell am I going to have for lunch' when it came to me.
I filled a big Ziploc bag with grout and snipped off the end. Voila! The Crack Sack was born. Now I can squirt the grout right into the cracks with precision and very little mess, which means very little clean up. Is that good or what???! (Johnny H may think he had something to do with this but he didn't.)
So here are some helpful tips on using the Crack Sack followed by ordering information for this one-time offer.
1. Don't overfill your crack
2. Watch for air in the bag, it makes for messy farts from the hole
3. Be gentle and patient
4. Don't squeeze the sack too hard; your hands will get tired
5. Massage the sack from time to time to keep the goop moist
Ok that's enough of that.
Somewhere in the Yukon, Babs M's head is exploding.

So, the Crack Sack. Good for grout, great beyond doubt! Yeah!
To order your Sack send cheque or money order for $5,000 to:
Phil McCracken
212 Cherry Tree Lane
London
123 ABC
UK
The Crack Sack is available in all 50 states with the exception of Alaska and Hawaii. And North Carolina. And Kansas, Denver, Arizona, Florida, New York. It is also not available in any state starting with the letter W. Or ending in the letters IA. It's not available in Canada. Or Mexico.
Void where prohibited. Member FDIC. Supplies are limited. May cause drowsiness. Or insomnia. Dry mouth. Wet mouth. Diarrhea. Constipation.
ORDER NOW!!!
BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE! Order in the next 10 minutes and you get this handy children's toy absolutely free! Occupy the kiddies while you're using your Crack Sack. It looks the same, but it's different. ORDER NOW!



Peace

17 comments:

kelly said...

whatever happenned matches and windex... the good ol days... not freakin ziploc bags

akbushbaby said...

Umm...wha? Are you talking about Bab's desktop at the Snooze? Blue Angels? What? What the heck are you talking about? Are you ok? Have you been eating your makeup again? Yeah. Lemme know.

kelly said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
kelly said...

i think you've been on your knees too long... or were clearly being creative with the truth when claiming that the only toys you had growing up were matches and windex...

akbushbaby said...

Yeah, about that. Sometimes I'd put a Ziploc bag over my head for fun and about Oscar...well, I'd hear about him from the kids at school. OK! Damn. If I really did say that, I'm a lot funnier than I thought. You should consider yourself lucky. Matches, windex, ziploc bags, oscar the smelly one who lives in the can. There. That's all a child can hope for. What's with the deleted comment? I've let my crass self come out in full force and I don't care who reads it, so you should do the same. DON'T SENSOR YOURSELF. Let yourself free! Let it go. Unless it's mean. Then KEEP IT IN.

Anonymous said...

keep the mean stuff in, may ass. i've actually made a grown man cry. in public. in front of his peers. and this was a man i actually liked.... no, wait....

akbushbaby said...

Hey. I tried to apologize for that. I really, really do like him. Did. Dunno. Man. Who is this?

Anonymous said...

your nemesis

Anonymous said...

call me pepé

akbushbaby said...

More like peepee. Cuz yer yella! Seriously. Who? My nemesis, eh? The green hornet? I thought I destroyed you. Dammit! Well, you won't get away this time... oh no, you won't get away.

akbushbaby said...

Anonymous comments are all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Anonymous said...

you're so funny (looking) it hurts...your mom - the doctor probably smacked her when you were born

akbushbaby said...

Ouch. Hmmm. Offensive, but not abusive. Funny, but not really. Who could you be? Oh yeah, I don't care.

Anonymous said...

Ouch. Jilly, baby, pull in the reins a wee bit... or the leash??? I kid because i care, because i love you, miss you and want you to come home.

akbushbaby said...

Oh nemesis, will you ever change?

Anonymous said...

i hope not. unless change means skinnier and better looking, then yes. i plan too.
-pepé

Anonymous said...

i also plan to one day ride a cow. i'll let you know how it goes... or maybe just a really big dog. or someone who looks like a really big dog. or a really angry beaver. he he. beaver.