Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell

Chopping wood at minus 20 is really, really easy. The wood is frozen and therefore splits like butta. It makes you feel a lot stronger that you actually are. Sadly, these are the things that make me giddy. Frozen wood. (I said frozen wood.)
So I didn't get my green card yesterday. I did, however, get my work authorization card. The card won't allow me to leave the US but it will allow me to work. On the level, that is. Now I can invoice the people who owe me money from freelance jobs I completed this summer but who haven't paid me because, well, I wasn't authorized to accept it. Sweet. The card is very official. So much so that you really just have to laugh. It's splattered with 'Homeland Security' and 'United States of America.' It has my fingerprint on the front. It also has a picture of me on it. Now, let's get one thing straight. It takes a hard night of drinking for me to look bad. But, in this case, I hadn't had a drop of moonshine in some time and this photo, God in heaven, it's bad. I mean, it's really bad. I really, honestly look like a felon. The dude who did my fingerprinting took it. The camera was posed at a low angle and I have this smug look on my face that looks like I'm thinking 'Yeah, I just murdered someone. Whadya gonna do about it? Punk.'
I swear. It's awful. Even Sam, who tells me I'm beautiful first thing in morning before I've had my bucket of coffee, thought it was horrible. I was going to scan in the card so you could all see just how bad it is and have a good laugh, but I can't do it. It's that bad. I'm all for making fun of myself, but people, this is just too much. So instead, here's a picture that most resembles it.







I'm not kidding. Change the shirt and give him some tiny boobs and this is me.
Sigh. More trail work today. Also, we're working on the oil monitor because some idiot put gasoline in the fuel tank instead of diesel. Maybe I'll go chop some wood to make myself feel better.
Peace.

22 comments:

Chris said...

I'll bet you are saying to yourself, in regards to the diesel heat, "I should have listened to my husband." That will be one Sam will hold on to for a while, until another batch of mortar meets his laptop or his camera.

Anonymous said...

How bad was the photo?

Anonymous said...

i'm pretty sure you don't want to scan anything that has Homeland Security on it unless you want something cold an uncomfortable shoved up your bum. Which may be your thing, but in this case, i'd take a pass...
-pepé

Anonymous said...

up yours pepe

akbushbaby said...

Ok, anonymous, you're hilarious.
Chris, I did listen to him. I really thought I was getting diesel. The pump was green. and said diesel. There was a nozzel that was black and said unleaded, BUT it was on the diesel pump which was segregated around the back of the station. Not my fault. PLUS, Sam is actually the one who poured it into the tank and didn't smell the difference. Again, not totally my fault. Can someone back me up on this?
Second. The photo was SO bad that...wait, didn't you see Nick Nolte? Hellllloooo?
Pepe, it is my thing, so there. And apparently it's yours too.

Anonymous said...

Vote for Andrew or don't come home.

Anonymous said...

hi granddaughter sounds like lots of fun watch out for the goats and sheep. lamb is good love gran.

chris said...

Is pepe a "friend" or a "troll" He sounds like a perverted troll from reading his posts. Pepe there is a hole you can go crawl into with all of the other molesters, rapists, pedophiles, and sexual deviants. It starts with an "h" and ends in an "l".

On another note,Jillian, Did you get the heat working?

akbushbaby said...

The heat is working. We had wood backup but, yeah, we changed the filter and emptied the tank and refilled with diesel. It ran a little wonky for a while but seems to be fine now. Crisis averted. Pepe is a friend and a troll. Actually I have no idea who he is. He does sound like a big creepy weirdo. But, whatchya gonna do? Open forum and all. We should find out who he is and track him down. Then we can chase him around with torches and pitchforks. Who's with me?

Anonymous said...

eat me.
-pepé

akbushbaby said...

BE NICE!!! My gran is now online and reading the blog. Do not offend my grandmother or you will regret it!

Chilly Beach said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chilly Beach said...

Boy this is the best one yet. Do you Americans always act so primitive.

Anonymous said...

i'm not sure i really want to stick up for pepé ... but i'm also not sure a simple anal probe joke makes him a pedophile...

kelly said...

joke or not, echo thinks pepé should be shot. she think that sort of potty humour should not be tolerated. i, however, and every twelve-year-old boy i know, like potty humour. we think its funny.

akbushbaby said...

Well, I'm sure glad this isn't getting out of hand. First, Echo, put the starter's pistol down. Second, who you callin' American? There's only one here, can anyone guess who it is.
We know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.

Chilly Beach said...

What!

akbushbaby said...

What, what? What about the only American? Or that stellar Rumsfeld quote at the end?

chris said...

What nationality are the dogs? Sam is the american, Jillian is the Canadian, the dogs probably have dual citizenship, and Pepe, who knows. Maybe he is a known unknown? Or an unknown troll. Regardless, I think he thinks he is a legend in his own mind. Troll, go back under your bridge or rock and hassle somebody else.

chris said...

I would like to change my comment. Sam and Jillian are both North Americans. There, I am now geographically correct.

akbushbaby said...

The dogs, I suppose, are American. Pepe was hatched in the bayou. I am Canadian. This is so funny. There is a photo of Nick Nolte on this post to which I'm comparing myself to and nobody has said anything about it!

Shaun "LOVES CAKE" aka happer said...

Now, I just want to play on my panpipes,

I just want to drink me some wine,

As soon as you're born, you start dying,

So you might as well have a good time!